Michelle: Jet or Shark?

11 . 4 . 99

All comments were written as the show was first viewed. So, it might be easier if you popped in your copy of today’s show (if you haven’t burned it already) while reading. I tried to find the comedy today, kids, really. But it was excruciatingly hard to do.

Blake: (dream sequence #1) Was it just me or did EK and JvD have no chemistry today? Is it her raging hormones? And they surely need to enroll in Manny’s kissing lesson class. And as many said in chat this afternoon, there’s FANFIC better than the crap that Blake is writing! Once again, EK shone today. She’s just adorable. For this kind of story, it’s imperative to separate myself from the story and concentrate on the performance. Those voices! ROFL!! I half-expected her to break out into Bugs Bunny, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Elmo next. A coffee filter, Blake? That thing is thinner than the lint in your bellybutton! Has the baby in your belly taken up so much room that you had to leak out a few brain cells to make it comfy? East Preggerstown? Oy! During the chat BBB’s, this sounded funny, but I sat watching this scene with a confused look on my face. MORE filters for Ross?? OMG. Why? Because Ross can tell your voice THAT much better than your own mother??? Ok, I turn my head and all of a sudden you’re on the bed. What are you doing? Spanking yourself? Pulling the wedgie out of your butt? The only good part of this scene was her reaction after she hung up the phone.. that was genuine and heartwarming. Um, Blake? That was your name you signed that email with. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. You have to get it before they read it? Hey, I hear Bill the Hacker’s available for some freelance work.

Holly/Ross (HOSS): Could this story be MORE written on the wall? Get them off my screen, right now! It’s as though these two are just shoved into the same scene because neither of them have a story of their own. Pitiful. I do realize, however, that so much of this has to do with EK’s pregnancy… when she’s back, this WHOLE storyline will improve (I hope?).

Susan/Jim/Beth: Loved Brittany Snow and her performance as Susan. This is a very well written teenager. Other than being Susan’s father, Jim isn’t needed on this canvas. You want to be more secure financially, Jim? Is that what you were doing? Looking through the want ads? I hear McDonald's is hiring a new swing-shift manager. Or maybe you, Danny and Bill can get together and provide stealth missions for those who cannot afford the big guns. The conversation that Jim and Susan have about her mom is such an important one to have for a girl Susan’s age. (btw, loved her hair today) Susan, at this age, needs to feel connected to her mother right now. We needed Harley in this scene. BS is a great cryer, right behind PAS, JL and KZ. Well done! She has a wonderful nuance and I’m surprised she hasn’t been praised more. Man, Beth just LOOKS like she’s lost her marbles – she doesn’t have to say a word. Attn: make-up department.. put some eyeliner on this woman. This is the most uncomfortable couple I think I’ve ever seen in my life. Beth wants to get married. Why? Because this is the great love of your life? You have a child! You barely know this man! In addition, if I have to endure you having an aneurysm over a wedding, I think I’m gonna puke AND commit suicide. “I need more.” Yeah, you need a free pass to Dr. Bradford’s office. I know she’s a little busy right now, but I’m sure she can squeeze in a borderline case like yourself. Good boy, Jim! Say no! Just say no! Beth is like a bad drug habit, and not even the kind that make you happy for a while. The kind that just makes you feel like a bag of doodoo. Does ANYONE enjoy this couple? Are they suffering from the HOSS syndrome? Thrown together because there’s nobody else for them to be with? Ugh! You want Lizzie to be proud of you? Why not trying to stand on your own and stop being DEPENDENT on a man? You’d be amazed what kind of message THAT can send!

Michelle/Bill/Vanessa: Fondling a knife for fun, Michelle? Careful, you just may end up threatening someone with it. Oh, did I just figure it all out? Who are you, and what have you done with my Michelle? What are you, a serial killer now? And how can Bill have been rejected from Springfield U? Wasn’t he ALREADY going there? Is it possible for MK to have a less flattering haircut? But in any case, it’s just nice to see her at all!! And at least one positive thing – anytime Michelle re-connects with a family friend, I’m happy. And Vanessa? Didn’t you know your son already WENT to SU? Bill, you’re making so much sense these days. This is PodChelle, and I hate her. I mean, I love Michelle, but since this isn’t her, I have no problem saying how much I hate this version. And must you two keep calling each other your “best friends” every time we see you together? We got the point. Thanks. Joie, I do however, still adore you. A tear forms, she wipes it away. No camera focusing on her, but it really fits with the scene because Michelle is extremely agitated and emotional right now. Well done. “Hit him where it hurts”?? If you weren’t looking over at Drew, Michelle, I’d think you were gonna kill him with a firm Taebo kick to the nads. How sad that we so very little about the relationship between Vanessa and Bill? *sigh* Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. I hate you. I hate THIS you. I hate how contrived this setup is. I hate that they ONLY write your character this way because Hunt Block has decided to leave and it was their brilliant idea to bring on this whodunit and name you as the prime suspect. Joie, as brilliant as she is, didn’t even put her heart into that threat. If I put my ear close enough to the TV, I would bet I could hear her laughing at this whole thing.

Ben/Pilar/Carmen: Ok, some people shouldn’t show their bare midriffs. Pilar, put on a sweater or something. Do she and Carmen work out together? Or at least shop at the same outfitter? Don’t these women know the value of a good sweat suit? Durable, lightweight, and when worn, nobody mistakes you for a street walker. “Go put some clothes on right now.” – Like you have been lately? You’re the one prancing around with cleavage down to your bellybutton. Carmen – desperation isn’t amusing, and it’s certainly not attractive. “Please! Please stay!” Down puppy! Before I send IdioT-Bag to your house with a coffee can full of Fantasy to knock yer ass out. Ok.. let’s just say for a second that Pilar really DOES have feelings for Ben. Can I just hand out the award for WORST mother of the year? Take it away from the clutches of Beth and Cassie and hand that sucker right on over to missThang Carmen. “Use some restraint!” What is she, your lackey?? Since when does having a crush constitute seeing a shrink? If so, I should’ve been in therapy when I was 6 when I was head over heels in love with Scott Baio. *sigh* Dare I say that I’m siding with Pilar right now? Sure, she’s been hit in the head with too many large objects lately, but she’s got Carmen pegged. And Carmen knows it. How does she deal with it? Like business. So, while in her panting after Ben, she’s completely out of character, the controlling aspect of her character comes through and is not totally forgotten. Oh, Pilar, you’re wicked. You’ve learned from your mother well.

Jesse/Drew/Max: “You want a date?” What are you, Jesse? A prostitute? Confession time – PB looked damn fine for approximately 5 seconds at the beginning of their first scene. Of course, I only saw him out of the corner of my eye, so I could be totally wrong. I also believe I’m suffering from PAS withdrawal and any young guy with dark hair has my head spinning. Ok, looking at him closer… ugh. Too much poof in the hair, Gel Boy. And you still can’t act your way out of a paper bag, but I’ll pay to see you try! One look at Drew’s hair and all I could think was “OUCH!” Pardon me while I make an appointment with the dentist. I think my teeth are falling out from all the sweetness dribbling out of her. Who is writing this crap? Could they patronize their viewers any more? Is it completely necessary to recap this entire storyline every chance you get? I may not be TB’s biggest fan, but compared to PB, this woman DOES deserve an Emmy. Anyone else cringing at the thought of Jesse doing The Hustle? And anyone else think how sexy Manny could make it?

All in all, this episode turned a happy Candy into a PO’d Candy. But hey, there’s always tomorrow!

Candy