Secret Confessions of a San Cristobal Survivor...

by Twinners

November 9, 1999

It was best of times...it was the worst of times. What was once a promising location shoot became a summer filled with schmaltzy shenanigans, misguided mayhem, Rambo impersonators and scantily-clad women. And it has truly changed the way that I live:

1. It has been months, yet I still lay awake at night contemplating whether the "Cristobal" in San Cristobal is pronounced with an "a" or and "e," since Danny insists on calling the island San Cristo-bell...while Michelle continues to stand firm that it is indeed San Cristo-ball. I am tormented to no end!

2. A few weeks ago, I asked my husband if he wanted VelJeva cheese on his sandwich.

3. Ever since I got a good look at Jim's detonator, I've been afraid to use my garage door opener.

4. I burned our 1998 tax return in the barbecue out back.

5. Prince Richard on horseback = 17 impure thoughts.

6. I have taken up skinny dipping...in my bath tub. But the other night when my husband came home in his business suit, he refused to jump in with me.

7. I have terrible nightmares of Edmund and Jeva making out in the cave...only in my dream he sucks so hard on her leathery face that he pulls her skin off.

8. I'm thinking of trading in our 1990 Ford "smoothride" Crown Victoria for a Hummer...or a BMW roadster.

9. I'm thinking Col. Dax would make a fabulous babysitter for two rambunctious toddlers.

10. I asked my husband if he thought something like Michelle's ball gown would be too over the top for an Alumni party this fall. (He suggested I lose the mask.)

11. Incest schmincest...I wanted sexy Matt to lay a big wet one on Michelle when they were backed up against the firing wall, since she was the only female there for him to kiss in the heat of the moment.

12. I really, really wanted Princess Gina to surface and help Eric and Greta overthrow Stefano...Woops, that's on the *other* campy show.

13. Violent thought = Balcony + Beth = Missed opportunity!

14. I'm having all of my luggage monogrammed in case my mother-in-law gets any ideas.

15. I hope Danny never agrees to help anyone ever again...

I expect my purple heart in the mail, especially since I've lost my hearing from all of Josh's shouting. The good news is, the headaches have finally subsided and the doctors think perhaps all that banging with the remote might have been the culprit after all. *Sigh* Still, it will take time for the emotional scars to heal completely...