The "Fabu" Springfield Closet Tour

by Tah and Shay

August 16, 1999

Today I spent the better portion of my morning cleaning out tack rooms for our Pony Club. I found all kinds of goodies from a 4 ft. long snake skin to assorted mouse paraphernalia. There were also long forgotten papers and pictures. (And a ton of dust. My allergies are killing me now.) It got me to thinking, and in turn, Shay to thinking, what we might find if we looked in the closets of some of our beloved SF characters. Here is a glimpse of what we found, or should we say, what we would like to have found:

As we toured Danny and Michelle's bedroom (love that big bed by the way), we noticed large walk-in closets for both him and her. We looked into the recesses of these closets and found these items:

Danny has very little clothing as we all know. We found only 1 pr. of black pants, 1 pr. of black shoes, 1 yummy leather jacket, 1 black silk shirt, 1 black gauzy shirt (woo hoo), 1 blue silk shirt, a black sweater, and a tan suit. In a Goodwill bag we found a pair of clunky boots, some designer jeans, a grey tank top, and a pair of grey baggy boxers. We found a case of Sebastion Potion #9 (for those gorgeous curls) sitting under a grooming kit. In the grooming kit we found a bottle of Obsession For Men Cologne (Shay's favorite), and an armpit hair comb (sorry, this was for me). We also found a bag full of boxers and briefs (what can we say ladies)? Shay found an interesting book entitled: "How To Make An Airplane Out Of Common Household Materials". There were a few movies too: Scarface, Casino, Goodfellas, And The Godfather parts 1,2,and 3.

Michelle has a decided lack of any clothing that is not Pink. We did find a Pink Dye Kit amongst her things though. Hmmmmm... Poor Danny had better get used to the idea of no children for awhile. We found a gross of birth control pills hidden in Michelle's lingerie drawer! Since Michelle rarely wears her hair up we were wondering why there were so many hair scrunchies squirreled away in her sock drawer. We also found the Sept. issue of Cosmo with those scrunchies that had the title: "Scrunchies, the bedroom trick that will blow him away". We didn't have time to read the article though, oh well! Shay found some Nancy Drew books and one other book entitled "I Was A Young Mafia Bride".

As we continued our tour of the Santos home we found Carmen's room. She has a very interesting motif going. I think we'll keep it a surprise so you can all see it firsthand whenever Ben moves in. We were shocked to find a Dominatrix outfit in Carmen's spacious walk-in! We also found assorted whips, chains, and handcuffs. On the floor Shay found the CD "Pistol Packin Mama". Being a tad nervous we quickly scanned other contents, noticing a document shredder, box upon empty box of 4th St. Chocolates, and strangely enough, a broom (perhaps for Carmen to ride on at Halloween). We were almost half afraid to find Grandma Santos in there, but thankfully, no sign of her (at least for now).

Heading to the maids quarters we found Dietz's hovel of a room (really Carmen, he does so well at protecting you, you could have given him a nicer room). Shay found something strange in a box in Dietz's closet marked "fun stuff". She found a black corset and a pair of high heeled black shoes (hey! those look like Michelle's). A card spilled out of the box which had Dietz's signature on it and which proclaimed him a card carrying member of "Cross Dressers Anonymous". (we never knew Dietzy!) There was also the video, Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert. Tacked to the back of the closet was a headliner poster from the nightclub "La Cage Aux Folles" highlighting "Dietzy And His All Male Mob Revue". (Dietzy, Dietzy, he's our man...)

Jumping across town, Shay and I decided to check out Ben's posh bachelor pad closet. Interestingly enough, we found two books. One was entitled "How To Kiss A Woman" by J. Hoover, forward by Electra Electrolux. The other book was "S&M For Beginners". We must say that both these books look well read! Shay didn't find anything else too interesting, just some Binaca and some breath mints.

Over at Jumpin JJ Le May's house we expected to find teacher supplies in his closet. Boy, were we wrong. We could hardly suppress the giggles as we found his collection of wind-up battleship bath tub toys, his G.I Joe bubble bath, and his wetsuit. (oh, bathtub fun!) We also found a "Secret Agent Man" spy kit, and a shoe phone of all things. Are you sure Jim's a school teacher? Shouldn't he be putting his class together? I guess he's having too much fun planning rescue missions in the tub!

There wasn't much to report at Dr. Ricky and Abby's house. We found a halo in her closet, and an Amish outfit( in case she needs to go back to Goshen since TPTB have dropped her incredible story of regaining her hearing). In Ricks closet Shay and I found his "sense of humor" and his "good guy image". For some reason we also found a box of bibs (good for wiping spitty mouths with, we guess)!

Josh's closet was immaculate. He is "Mr. Perfect". There was a dictionary on the floor opened to the entry for "anal retentive". Can you believe it had Josh's picture under it? There was an "Oilcatters" handbook, and a hard hat ( maybe Josh needs to remember what he does for a living, and give up this rescue mission business!) Reva, on the other hand has loads of stuff in her closet. Shay thought she saw a couple of forgotten children. We also found a Tiara fit for a Princess in a box marked "my missing years". I found a bottle of leftover "clone" serum, and Shay swore she saw all of Reva's divorce lawyers in there too!

Since Jesse moved out of Drew's apartment he only left behind a couple of items. There is one big jar of "Dippity Doo" hair gel at the back of Drew's closet. (As an aside, I know I am dating myself with this comment.) Jesse better rush back to SF. He left his art book behind on the dresser. It is entitled "Learn How To Paint By Number In 5 Easy Lessons." How will he ever be a success in N.Y. without his portfolio of paint by number pictures?!

Shay and I could have made many more stops, but we felt we'd been nosy enough, especially after our last stop. We couldn't resist visiting that hunky, vicious, bad boy Nino's room, and his closet of course! Since Nino has hightailed it out of SF we thought we'd take a peek at his digs. The first thing Shay and I noticed were the dozens of boxes of Girl Scout Cookies in his closet. Cookies?! He also had a rather large collection of squirt guns, and lots of Acme Product explosives (I guess that's why everyone thought the bomb in the Church looked like an old CB radio)!

Well, I guess that's it for now. Tune in next time when Shay and I tour more "Fabu" closets of the rich and infamous of SF. Until then we wish you "Champagne Kisses" (or at least imported Beer kisses) and "Caviar Dreams" ( or if you like, bean dip, or green onion dreams).

Ta Ta For Now,

Tah and Shay - roving reporters with an eye for the ridiculous and the mundane