Come To The Springfield Campy Dress Ball

by Tah and Shay

August 9, 1999

Well, it's almost time for that wacky group of Reva rescuers to head to San Criscoball to whisk our poor "damsel in distress" from certain danger! Oy!! All the intrigue will certainly be centered around The Masked Ball. Shay and I thought it might be fun for all our favorite SF characters to have their own wild and wooly Campy Dress Ball. One never knows who might make an appearance. Let's look into our slightly cracked crystal ball and see what it beholds...

I'm getting an image. It's still a little hazy, but I think I can make out the Country Club and, yes, guests arriving. Oh, what fun they all will have munching on little smoky weiners and crackers and cheese. Let's not forget to let the liquor flow cause our SF residents love their booze. I'm getting images of Scotch, and yes, Boone Hill Farms Wine in the box.

The mist is lifting from my crystal ball. I'm getting very clear images now. I'll try and describe our party goers and their dress...

Our poetry loving couple is first: Vanessa is dressed as Mrs. Robinson. Matt looks smart as The Graduate. (Here's to you Matt and Vanessa. Jesus loves you more than you will know...Oh Oh Oh)

Vanessa's son Bill is arm in arm with the lovely PEELAAR: Pilar is funky as the "Sock It To Me" girl from Laugh In. (she looks a little dizzy from all those punches!) Bill looks sharp as Mr. Phelps from "Mission Impossible". (Your mission Bill, if you choose to accept it is to find a way to get Pilar back to Europe ASAP)

Wow! It's Jumpin' JJ Le May and Bethetic (I mean Jim and Beth): Beth is va va va voom as Jessica Rabbit (I'm not bad, it's just the way I'm drawn!). Jim is dressed for a life of danger as Secret Agent Man. ("Beware of pretty faces that you find. A pretty face can hide an evil mind").

Here are our young star crossed lovers Max and Susan: Young Susan is a dream as Juliet (O Max, Max, wherefore art thou Max?). Max looks great in tights as Romeo ("But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east", and Susan "is the sun." Ahh...young love.)

Our newest divorcees are entering now: Blake "I'll think about it tomorrow", has come as Scarlett. Ross "Frankly Blake, I don't give a damn" is dapper as Rhett Butler. (Be careful not to close any doors guys. There could be a little "Ashley Wilkes" in your future.)

Oh my, here's Dr. Prick (I mean Rick) and his lovely wife Abby: Gee Ricky must have gotten use to his new nickname cause he's dressed as, what?, Oh, Sparky The Sperm? (No wonder Abby is running scared from having kids!) Our sweet and loving Abby has come as Glenda The Good Witch Of The North.  (Just click your heels three times Abby and maybe Dr. Sperm will disappear.)

How dare these two show their faces! It's Carmen Santos and Ben W-A-R-R-E-N: What a strange costume Mr. Warren is wearing. If my eyes aren't deceiving me he looks like he is dressed as a Deluxe Hoover Vacuum Cleaner with Cyclone Action (hmmmmmm...). Excuse me Ben, but there have been complaints by other guests that you have been making lewd gestures with your hose attachments. Please stop this immediately!! Carmen is fetchingly attired as The Borg Queen. (I wonder if her head and spine actually do separate from the rest of her body. Hey, lets find out! She can substitute for the Piñata later out by the pool.)

How Sweet! It's Alan and his adorable granddaughter Lizzie: How appropriate, little Lizzie looks spunky as "Annie" from the Broadway play.  (Don't worry sweet Lizzie. The sun will come out tomorrow!)  I hope Lizzie doesn't turn into *gasp* Annie! Alan looks dashing as Daddy Warbucks (gotta love those "I'm changing my life today" tycoons.)

I see "Mr. Deep Cover" David has arrived with his on again, off again, gal pal Vicki: Hey! Where's Vicki? Oh, is that her. I can barely see her outline. Oh, I see, she's The Invisible Woman.  (great costume Vicki!) David is waving his arms around wildly, blabbering, and his eyes are bugging out of his head. Oh, it's just an act? (Thank goodness. We wouldn't want to accuse him of sub par acting!) He's come dressed as Barney Fife. (FRANK? ,AUNT BEA!)

Speaking of Frank. Is he on duty at this shindig?! Hey, we like the new uniform look Frank. What did you say? That's not a new uniform? Oh,we see, you're dressed as that fine upstanding Sheriff of T.V. fame, Boss Hog! (Hey! Have you seen Eleni around? Oh, she's hanging out with Daisy and the Dukes? That explains a lot?!)

Here come that "I only want you when you're with someone else" couple Drew and Jesse: Just look at Drew. She's a double for Cher (They say our love won't last till Hanuka...What a lovely tune Drew.) Jesse, Jesse, Jesse. Who are you tonight? Hey, Jethro from The Beverly Hillbillies! (You've certainly come dressed for the part. I love that piece of rope you've used to hold your pants up with, and that greasy slicked back hair, perfection!!) Got any of Granny's biscuits with you? If so, please take small bites and chew your food thoroughly! It's tough on us Mannyacs when you shove your food into your mouth!)

Hey! Reva and Josh have arrived back from FANTASY ISLAND on Magic Mushrooms (can we please move on with some new plot lines now)! Reva can't seem to remember that she's told guests numerous times that she's come dressed as Sybil. Why? You figure it out (think multiple personalities). Josh has brought a can of Spinach with him. I see, he's dressed up like Popeye. ("I yam what I yam", and if I eat enough spinach I can beat up any man who comes near Reva/Catherine, and that means you Richard!)

Phillip, Harley and Baby have dashed in to say Hi! With the new Spaulding heir just being born, they didn't have the time nor the inclination to dress up (plus with Phillip being such a control freak, this whole costume party business grated on his nerves)! If she could have dolled herself up, Harley would have come as "Wonder Woman" (after birthing that 3 month old baby she deserves the title). Of course baby Spaulding is playing out a scene from "Honey I Blew Up The Kid".

The centerpiece couple of our Ball have finally arrived. Just for us they've stopped making love for a moment to join us at this glittering event: Danny is resplendent as Apollo (or you can pick any gorgeous Greek/Roman God you'd like. No Sultans or dashing Knights need apply, well, maybe)! Michelle is stunning as Venus (a beautiful goddess) BIG SIGHS!!!!!!! ( to be 18 again!!) Shay wanted me to say that Danny/PAS was "Shays love slave", and that Michelle was dressed as Shay, but I couldn't do it!!! Someday, he will be mine! LOL

We do have some stragglers coming in. There aren't too many munchies left. I think I see Jesse over at the buffet. Here they come:

Lillian: Nurse Ratchet from "One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest".

Aunt Meta: Sophia from "The Golden Girls"( Picture it: I had to baby-sit them da** kids again *&^%&). Aunt Meta! We never knew you could swear like a sailor!

Selena and Buzz: (had to close "Company" first, and then go to the horse races). Selena looks serene as Mary Magdalene (I once sinned really bad), and Buzz has stolen Coops "Buzz Light Year" costume.  (To the Diner, Petulas, Company, and beyond....)

Holly: (Just arrived back in town from selling the paper). She's got a flute with her. Oh, she's The Pied Piper! (Hide the kids, and the pet rats!)

Dietz and Jimmy are here too: Dietz is cool as "Igor" from "Young Frankenstein". Jimmy is dressed as Jim-my!

Grandma Santos is sitting in a rocking chair. She's dressed as "Mother" from the movie "Psycho".  (You know she's been dead a long time.)

Fr. Ray stopped by: He's looking cool as "The Fonz"!! (sit on it PTB!!!) We love you Jamie!!! We wish you the best in whatever you do. AYYY (as The Fonz would say!)

Richard flew up to keep tabs on Catherine: He looks very regal as King Arthur (Where's Excalibur Merlin? I must battle Popeye, Secret Agent Man and the rest!)

Olivia: Is floating in the pool with "her clothes spread wide".( She's had to explain that she is dressed as Ophelia from "Hamlet".) She better get use to doing tragedy.

Edmund couldn't resist: He'd like some Chianti with his Fava Beans! Of course, he's come costumed as Hannibal Lechter.  (He looks deliciously evil.) Hey, Edmund, you might want to try the Rumaki over at the buffet table. I've heard they used only the finest liver to make it!

India has taken time off from her "Goodwill" Ambassador duties to Alan to come as Mata Hari- woman of international mystery and intrigue! You better polish your feminine whiles. You may be called on to battle Sandcorp in the near future. Hint: infiltrate Sandcorps computer software programs!

Let's not forget Cassie: She was helping Sam with all those exhausting farm chores, but now she's dressed up, and doesn't she look clean and fresh as Ellie Mae Clampett!!! Hey, remember that Ellie Mae's biscuits could choke a Horse, Cow, or even a walking vegetable. You want some more biscuits Jesse?! Oh heck Cassie, why don't you just grab some fried possum off the buffet table and go sit out by the cement pond with Olivia! (She needs a good friend in SF. You can teach her all about how common folk live.)

Out of the West, North, South and East rides a masked man: Why, it's Billy on his stick horse named Darlin! He informs us he's The Lone Ranger! (he's gonna hog tie all them varmints who are after his little Reva gal!)

Marah and Shane would like to have attended, but Uncle Rusty took them out on tour with the all girl group P.Y.T. and that fabulous pop sensation band 'N Sync. ( We don't need you anyway Mama. Now that Lewis Oil has slipped through Daddies fingers, we'll support ourselves. We'll be back in a few years when we've morphed into adulthood!)

There has been one guest who remains a mystery this evening. He or she is dressed as a question mark. There are no distinguishing features to tell us who they are. They have been watching and listening to all the guests here tonight. Who might they be? Could it be *gasp* Annie? How about Dr. Ed returned from Europe? It couldn't be Mick arisen from his watery grave, could it? Maybe, it's hunky Sean, or Uncle Mike Bauer. How about Ben's stepmother? Or, could this individual be the catalyst for the big Fall storyline that will resonate with all our SF residents for months to come? My bet is that our mystery guest is either, brace yourselves, our beloved villain Roger, or drum roll please, Papa Santos!!! Hang on kids! It's gonna be a bumpy flight!

Well, our SF crowd knows how to party with the best. There's lots of action going on at the pool. I hear people chanting "off with her head". It must be pinata time! ( take that Carmen!!) My Crystal Ball is fading fast. Thanks for making it this far...See you next year at the SF "Campy Dress Ball"!!! Don't miss it! Gotta go. Looks like a fight has broken out at the buffet table over that last smokey weiner!!

Tah and Shay (aka Louise and Thelma, Ethel and Lucy, Batgirl and Batwoman)