Raiding Windmills (The Michelle Bauer-Santos Essay)

by Tracee

June 7, 1999

I promised a companion piece on Michelle, at some point, and for some reason hearing this song today seemed to pull all of my jumbled thoughts together. It's strange I immediately felt a connection to this song, on a personal level, the first time I heard it, much like I feel a connection to Michelle the survivor, so it would seem appropriate that this song would remind me of her. I apologize in advance if it seems weird to post my thoughts in this manner, but it was the only way I could pinpoint everything that's been floating around in my head regarding Michelle. And please take into account, I only know of Michelle's history, and only know Joie Lenz as Michelle, and her take on the character, so if it doesn't follow with previous incarnations, I again, apologize in advance.

I spend too much time raiding windmills
We go side by side, laugh until it's right

It's funny that I see much of the Manny story in circular allusions, be it ferris wheels or windmills, it always seems to be something that is ever turning, without a beginning or an end. And that's exactly how I feel about Manny, that we didn't necessarily see their beginning, the moment Mick was killed, or the moment Danny stepped into Millennium, but perhaps the beginning was before Michelle or Danny were even born. I'm not talking star-crossed or fated to be, but how much of their past shapes the people they became, the type of people they are, that allow them to be together in the here and now. When I think of someone raiding windmills, someone going round and round in their mind, ever searching for that elusive answer to who they are, what they were meant to be, ever supporting someone or something side by side, ever cheerful laughing until it's right, and they think they've found it, only to figure out, it was false all along, I think of Michelle. I look at this young woman, whose entire life's course was mapped out, before she could probably even articulate what she wanted to be, who proudly sticks to her guns about being a doctor, and for what? Because her father is one? Because her brother is one? Because it's the Bauer thing to do, to help other people, to be good and to be right and compassionate and kind? Who Michelle would be, has always been planned with the good fortune of being born a Bauer, before she ever got a chance to explore it for herself. I'm not saying she might not have chosen that path on her own, or that it's not innately in her, but certainly she was steered toward that path, because of circumstances surrounding her.

Does this sound at all familiar? I'm sure it does, replace the word Michelle with Danny and you have a frighteningly similar background. This is what I mean, about their beginning, starting before either even knew one another existed. This is why it could only be Michelle who had the intimate understanding of family expectations and the balance in character to smooth out the darkness in Danny, that he could fall for. It could only be Michelle in all of her Bauer-ness, and stoicness, who never let him get to her, that Danny could automatically trust to be strong enough to deal with him. I don't think he ever saw her as the weak one of the bunch, quite the contrary, she was the only one who stood up to him without posturing and without hesitation. It's innately Michelle to be level-headed, understanding, compassionate, and confused and vulnerable, all at once. She was the only one who showed him any true sympathy over Mick's death, without pretending to like Mick. She meant it when she said she was sorry about what happened to Mick, not only because of her actions (unbeknownst to him) but because she know what it was like to lose someone that close to her. It was basic human decency, and Michelle has that in spades.

But who is Michelle? Who has this woman become in wake of her mother's death, her father leaving, Zachary dying, being raised by her brother? She's the beloved Bauer girl, but has anyone bothered to find out who Michelle is, or had the capacity to be, beyond her last name? All Rick sees of her is much the same that Danny sees of Pilar, the sainted little sister, who needs to protected from herself, and the rest of the big mean world. From what little I saw of Messe, all Jesse saw was someone who was changing *his* world. But how did he change hers? Did anyone ever bother to wonder why she was drawn to a person she wanted to raise up, for lack of a better term? Did they even question why she didn't immediately fall for say, Bill, her longtime friend, and upstanding member of the community? Did anyone even care, as long as she still lived up to her Bauer-ness?

Is Danny truly, the first person, who's taken possession of her soul and shook her all around, until she admits out loud what it is she wants, who she is at heart and not what everyone else thinks of her, even when it's all "backwards"?

There's something that you won't show
Waiting where the light goes

What I know of Michelle is her dignity, I believe the girl is "grace under fire" personified. She never strikes me as anything less than full of class and pride, but I also don't know Michelle to be very emotional, or wear her heart on her sleeve. I think the only time she ever really broke down was on the beach, when confessing her the accidental death of Mick, and in the shower when confessing how hurt she was. Who wouldn't be emotional at points like that, however? Even when Michelle is reacting to potentially emotional news, she never completely breaks her facade, she keeps a part of herself rational and understanding, ever the Bauer, who while hurt, at least tries to make sense of the other person, even if it takes a moment. She's not the @#%$ emotional outburst, type. It simply isn't her.

In her life, I think two events make her the strong, take it all on the shoulder, and never fall down good girl, one from her past, and one from the recent present. I believe, the singular defining moment in Michelle's life is her mother's death. There are just events that totally mark the passage of time in your life and for Michelle I think there's before her mother died, and everything that's happened after it, until recently. But she doesn't show it, much, she only gives Danny a glimpse at herself, by mentioning her mother dying, in passing. It happened, but it's not something Michelle dwells on in everyday conversation. Truly though, how much of Michelle's life has been touched by that one event? She lost her father, she met Jesse, she grew up motherless, without a family, really. Though the Bauer's are family oriented, who protected a little motherless girl and taught her about becoming a woman? Who made it safe for her? Who comforted her? Why does it seem she took more comfort in the visions of her dead mother, than she did in anyone else around her? Her mother's death will always resonate in her, it will always be what made her grow up to be so capable of taking care of herself, and so focused. She didn't have anyone else to do it for her, so she had to learn to do it on her own, how pave a way in the world without the guidance of either parent, especially for a young woman, without a mother to listen about her broken hearts, and to tell her how beautiful she's become, because no one is more beautiful than your mother, for most young girls, even when all you want to do is leave the nest.

And of course, what else she wouldn't show, just a few months ago. She would *not* let Danny intimidate her into admitting the truth, about killing Mick. I don't think her actions in this case, define who she is, but certainly start the chain of events regarding who she was about to become, Michelle Santos. It takes a certain amount of strength, to keep a secret like that nestled away in the back of your conscience, especially when someone is pecking away at it, day in and day out. That reserve in Michelle, the ability to stand up for herself and never let Danny see her sweat under his constant watchful eye, is a direct result of the little girl who learned how to do for herself and stay strong in the wake of tragedy, after her mother was killed. And so much of what Danny is attracted to, someone who can help him lead by his side, not bring up the rear, or overpower him.

But as the song says Michelle seems to have been "waiting where the light goes", for so long, that it's almost inevitable she was drawn to Danny, in particular, contrary to his own belief, he is the "light" that blinds Michelle, or more specifically it's the light in him, that Michelle is attracted to, because it's buried so deeply inside the dark vestiges of promises about protection and security, something no one else offered her. It's his light, that he doesn't need to have shone on him, at all times, who doesn't mind shedding it on her, and letting her shine. It's the light in Michelle, that she wants to bring to Danny, to fill the holes in her spirit. It's the light in Michelle that wants to confess to Danny, about Mick, about the FBI, about her mother, about all of these things she won't show, waiting for the person who'll hold her up, who can be the only person who understands family obligation, how background helps mold a person. And he can be the only person, who straddles between dark and light, who can help her make sense of that attraction to dark, because no one else even wonders why. He *is* what she's waited for.

Take the darkest hour, break it open
Water to repair, what we have broken

Danny has managed over and over, since the first time he met her, to rattle Michelle's interior cage, the one she keeps locked and padded around the truth about herself. More than once, he's gotten her to be completely vulnerable with him, to the point of being raw, from the stinging sensation it caused her to admit the truth. I've joked about, Michelle's head winding up in Danny's lap on the beach, but in most jokes, there is some grain of truth, and the truth is, I don't think she would have ever showed *anyone* else the sheer amount of trust she did, by that one tiny little action. Even though she knew rationally, he was sent there to kill her, she wanted to so badly to trust that he was different, and to make him understand, that she let him see the complete broken spirit, the burden of carrying around all that guilt had made her. And she let him see, her profound apology and sincerity in being sorry for what she had done. She let him see her completely undone and reached out to him, for some measure of comfort and forgiveness. Knowing all the while what his intentions were supposed to be on that beach. She knew, she *knew* he was someone to trust with her story, and to trust to just understand. It was such a leap to think that a brother could understand the murder of his own flesh and blood, under any circumstances but she didn't waver, and she laid it all on the line for him. This after months of evading Jesse's questions about her so-called non-relationship with Danny, and evading Drew's insistence that she should use Danny's feelings for her, to gain some kind of favor with her, and evading Rick's concern for her well-being. Some man she barely even knew, with a gun in his pocket and a bounty on her head, is the man she chose to trust with her very life.

And it continued on, even when she didn't *have* to admit the truth about the FBI, she did anyway, she put herself out there, hoping for the best, and why? Because it was the right thing to do, it was the right thing for her marriage to start again on a level playing field. It was about establishing trust between her husband and herself and letting him see her as less than perfect, less than everything he expected, but not going anywhere. It was about letting him understand, that despite the mutual attraction, despite her attempted acceptance of her fate, she would always want to do the right thing, that it wasn't something he could erase, and he could accept that, or he could bail. It was about giving her marriage a fighting chance at survival, even under the craziest of circumstances, and about taking responsibility for her own actions, regardless of the consequences. Because that's one part of Michelle, that's the Bauer in her, that's what she was taught to do. And yet she wanted to stay with said husband, the same criminal, the same man she'd always have to fight tooth and nail, to remain a Bauer with, the same man whom she should have by all expectations, been repulsed by and running in the other direction from. Why? What is it that's in Michelle that craves this man? Is it a perversion of her soul? Is it rebelliousness from her safe little world, or is there something more? Is it that Michelle finds comfort in tragedy, that she relates to the dark places in people, that feed on her grief for her mother, or her feeling isolated from the Bauer's with no parents around. Or maybe it's just those long running windmills, she's ever raiding...

Water to repair what we have broken, the most recent darkest hour, being broken and displayed, is of course, Michelle's reaction to Danny's indiscretion with Drew. I don't have much to say about this, because it's all been said before, how completely open and wounded Michelle was in that shower, and afterwards on her bed. Her head clearing, and the insistence that Danny wasn't misunderstood, but a gangster, reality setting in. What was it Danny said about her, she could be bossy and demanding one minute and completely vulnerable the next. It was his description and understanding of her, that played out for us in all it's brilliant colors. She could throw him on the floor and then look like a lost child in a matter of seconds, all while never trying to come to some terms with what Danny did and what he's really all about. But lo and behold, once again she winds up back in his arms, by the time he's explained himself. She knows him, she understands him, she *gets* it, and above all that, she *still* wants him.

There's something that you won't show
Waiting where the light goes
And maybe anyway the wind blows
It's all worth waiting for

I have another song playing in my mind now, the opening lines of which go like this "A girl consumed by fire, we all know her desire, from the plans that she has made. I had her on a promise, immerse me in your splendor, all the plans that I have made. This is the one, she's waited for..."

I think Michelle's desire is quite possibly the biggest surprise she's found inside herself, since meeting Danny, and I think it's an absolutely crucial part of the development of this relationship, not so much Danny's just *being* sexual, but Michelle's response to him. Something she was reluctant to show him, and reluctant to ever admit to anyone. It's been there from the very start, the internal quarrel over attraction and dismay. She *shouldn't* want him, she *shouldn't* react to him, she should she just swat him away like a gnat, she should just desire Jesse, since she's just so in love with him. But... she doesn't. She just *is* attracted to him, with no rational reason, no Bauer explanation, no easy answer. When he kisses her outside of the diner, she should have at least attempted to remove herself from the situation, not later refer to it as a "thing" when clearly she shouldn't have reciprocated at all. But she plays with fire, it started with Jesse, the wrong side of the tracks grease monkey, that she seems to have stayed with and fought to be with, out of defiance, but evolves into Danny a whole universe away from her, who she tried to get away from, but kept finding herself back next to him, time and again, sometimes by force, sometimes by her own choice. She's so calm and so "not a teenager" when dealing with Rick and telling him she loves him, so calm when stating her case to Bill, so *centered* about her decision and her motivation. I could never look at this as a rebellion, if only for that reason.

No I believe it speaks to something much more basic in Michelle. Say what you will, about the notion, but sexual attraction can be a very powerful and overwhelming thing, almost intoxicating, that person who awakens in you, the thoughts that you would never even admit to having, and who you find yourself drawn to, even under the worst circumstances. And combine that with the attraction of sex eventually turning into something much more meaningful and fulfilling, and you have a lethal combination.

And I believe Michelle is attracted to passion, or as Betty calls it "dark intelligence", that someone who challenges her, and who literally forces her to be better than she is, in subtle ways. Danny's feelings for her and her attraction to him, have forced her to be more mature, to be more willing to accept things about herself she didn't want to cop to, have probably forced her to forge an understanding of her mother, who stayed with her father, even after his dalliances, who forced her in short, to grow up and go after what she wants and not be afraid of it. I've seen such a transcendent glow about Michelle, lately, in all of her contentment and security in her decision, that she looks like she might float off the ground. She's so at peace with what she wants and so quietly fierce about it, such a blossoming affect. That it took going through something similar to her mother, and that her mother was the original catalyst for an early maturation is no coincidence, that *the* man she wants (and who is everything she says she wants in a husband) and who understands and appreciates her, forces her to do the same, IMO.

And I'm sure it was all worth waiting for.

Pull on the borders to lighten the load
Tell all the passengers we're going home

What exactly is home for Michelle? That's become increasingly more confused in the past several months, with that load to bear on her shoulders, and the constant tightrope walk of being both a Bauer and a Santos. Though she is distinctly different from the collective Bauer entity, she still finds the comfort of the Bauer house and Rick's warm arms, welcoming and inviting, and an escape from the hecticness of the life around her. She still very much wants to be a part of the Bauer family, attend those BBQ's and "cozy Christmases" and have all the creature comforts of the place she grew up in and lived her life in.

But she runs from it now? She insists that she belongs right next to her husband, at his side, *no matter what*. Effectively telling him her home, is wherever he makes his. She's tired of waiting, alone, by herself, unprotected and unsure of what's going on. She might feel safe, in a coffee clatch way, in the Bauer kitchen, but she worries by the phone, constantly and doesn't feel safe unless her husband is around for protection. Her load is no longer tied to being forced to be with Danny, but to being forced to be without him. And all she now wants is the comfort of her husband and the protection he offers and the life they want to build together. She's a young woman on the verge of full fledged adulthood, carving out a life of her own, and holding steadfast to her version of home, Bauerness and all, it doesn't include a life without Danny in it.

I spend too much time seeking shelter
World without end couldn't hold her

And to tie this all together, isn't this what it's fundamentally about for Michelle? She has such an abundance of spirit, that I don't think the ends of the earth could hold her, when she wants to take flight, when she feels "passionately" about something. I look at her and I smile, because she's so grounded, while being so ethereal all at once. And yet, she can be scared and melancholy as well, seeking shelter. There' s the good Bauer girl, who would hug the world, if she could, if it meant giving them a moment's comfort, but there's the Santos side of her, that wants someone to hug her and make it okay in her world. There's the good and light that shines beatifically at the wondrous news about Abby's hearing being restored and is filled with pride, but who can turn around a moment later and rush to be with her husband, because above all else she's concerned about him, and she feels unsafe when he's not around. There's the bossy and demanding, and the vulnerable and open. There's the Ms. Priss, who rationally should be waiting until she's in love in order to make love, because she's such a good girl who's been taught well, and there's the Ms. Awakening who has a potent sexual attraction to a man she barely knows from the moment he steps foot around her, and whom she'll roll her eyes into the back of her head at the sound of his voice whispering in her ear.

Michelle is all of these things, but Michelle, as defined by her mother's death, is still very much the young woman seeking shelter, protection, comfort and understanding, all the things that Danny has promised and brought to her life, he is the man who'd kill for her, even if she didn't want him to, and who would rather risk dying himself his head bleeding all over his steering wheel, than chance any harm coming her way.

This is the man she's so attracted to and wants to have a life with, because of the future she can see having with him complete with children, family that she doesn't have now, but still wants to create in the future, despite all the risks that involves by bringing a child or children in the world he lives and breathes day in and day out. Not a safe, stable man, but a risk she's taken everyday since she's met him.

This is Michelle Bauer-Santos, and she's ever raiding windmills and seeking shelter. And *nothing*, nor anyone, can hold her.

Tracee