Top 11 Ways To Legitimize The Family Business

by Tracee

May 28, 1999

11)  Set up a wedding consultation business, three marriage ceremonies in a year, must be some automatic qualification on their resume. If this fails, a consultation business on the ins and outs of annulment/divorce oughta be real popular. Money back guarantee if they never actually figure out whether their consults worked or not...

10)  Buy out the Play-Doh company, use Pilar's backbone as a marketing strategy.

9)  Go into the bullet proof/sound proof/reality proof room business. How else to explain how Grandma who doesn't leave her room unless someone dies or someone gets married, slept soundly through machine gun fire.

8)  Offer to re-decorate rival mobster's homes, after the Santos family room. They'll get scared enough, to throw money at them in an effort to make them stop. If that doesn't work threaten to hang the doggie painting in their bathroom, after laying the astroturf on every floor in the house.

7)  Capitalize on the frugal wardrobe budget they've learned to keep. The whole family could teach a class... Carmen: How To Make The Most Out of Your Three Power Suits, Pilar: How To Save Money By Cutting Material First, Danny: How To Stay Pale While Wearing The Darkest Colors Known To Mankind Day In & Day Out (with a side course in how to wear a leather jacket year round), Michelle: How To Organize A Closet Full of One Color and Cut And Not Get Confused, Ray: How To Be a Handsome Devil in A Priest's Collar, Dietz: How To Own One Suit and Like It...

6)  Change their name to Spaulding, really just how different are they?

5)  Have Michelle take over Harley's private investigation firm, and lead the family into the 21st Century, with her SuperMichelle persona, doctor by day, supersleuth/sexy seductress by night. Definitely sew a pink M on her black leather cape...

4)  Bust Grandma's bookie operation, force her to hand over the cash, and move to the vacation house in San Cristobal. Leave her to take over as head of the family.

3)  Open a roadside lemonade stand, force the cars to stop with machete/machine gun toting thugs, force drivers/passengers to pay $20 for a cup and $25 more for the lemonade.

2)  Send Danny to carry out all "threats", soon enough they'll be the laughingstock of the entire mob syndicate. "Oh did you hear about that Santos boy, instead of killing that guy, he threatened to tell him there really isn't a tooth fairy... shiver me timbers"

1)  Start a fertilizer business. With all the mulch Carmen shovels daily, they'll be raking in it, in no time. Literally.

Tracee