Sitting on the fence...

by Kai

October 3, 2000

...about who loves JL more
...about who's staying and who's going
...of whether Labine's destroying a supercouple or whether it's just a small part of a larger and  better plan
...of whether you're on one side of the fence or the other.

I'd like to just sit on that fence for now, and remember what I'm thankful for and pay tribute to that.

I've been going over this board - skimming through opinions as I lurk…and it brings a lot back… It's been almost a year since I stumbled across this place - and what a year it's been. In a month I discovered a tight knit community that debated eloquently amongst each other, united in campaigns for a common cause, and more than anything loved Manny fiercely & equally… That was a month … In a year I too (albeit silently), debated, campaigned and loved with you - but I also laughed in your witty humour, cried in your sorrows, shared in your trials and sat back in awe of your brilliant diversity. It doesn't take much to see there's real people, with real friendships here. How on earth did that happen? How on earth did a level-headed bio major who mocked fellow soap watchers of watching shows with such unrealistic storylines let a cyber community play this much of a part in her life?

I'm in the stages of finally accepting a few things - things to which I said, "I'll deal with it when I get there." Well here I am - slowly taking on a ton of quiet emotions - a deep and flowing stream. I'm not angry, or hurt, or frustrated - not even bitter - I danced it all out last night during practice then washed it down with OJ (one must never underestimate the power of it). I'm just…reminiscent… Walking down memory lane - I'm feeling that pull within again that's a mixture between sadness and soft smiles…

As I said before, this isn't about who loves JL more, about who's leaving and who's staying, about who's wrong and who's right. Yes, I am one who won't be tuning in after Wednesday. Yes, I am one who believes that Stenz = Manny, that my Manny story ends with JL leaving. But at the same time I can extract myself and acknowledge where friends on the other side of the fence are coming from. I could sit here and try to explain, however, that's an entirely different post - something that's neither here nor there. KathyZ's post some time back, expressing her opinion on the issue, left it's touching mark that's on me that made me realise something important - I may not understand everything completely - but I understand more that although we come from different places, staying or going, JL means something to each of us .

This isn't about goodbye or leaving or anything of the sort either - no, this is coming from a place of deep and sincere gratitude, a place of very good memories, and a part of me that's been deeply touched. It's about thanking a community for all those things by just being… And about thanking a man and woman who together possessed an intangible mix of charisma and chemistry that hypnotized me and brought me here in the first place.

It's about PAS, it's about JL - not as individuals in their own right but who they were together on our tellies. It's about Stenz…and the Manny era they created. It's about the magic spell they cast on us and the fact that they made us feel . … I'm still trying to understand that part - the part about feeling because of something on my screen of all things…

You see I don't understand how I flicked on the telly and how a man could catch my eye…

…how I became hooked with just 'my wife'…
…how seeing a man cry while making a toast to his wife - made me want to also…

I still don't understand how I went from watching zilch daytime tv to tuning in every day five days a week…

…to see a woman see the side of a man no one believed in…and love him more for it…
…to hear her tell her husband she wanted her day to begin and end with him…

I still don't understand how I'd be sitting in a lecture or be driving and I'd get this goofy grin on my face…

…because of a scene where a husband's "ET come home" was as funny as it was sexy and endearing…
…because of a scene where a husband suggested oh so sexily to his wife he'd thought of a place they hadn't 'christened'...

How was it exactly that I came to believe in this couple as much as they professed it?

…that I held on to hope with the man who held onto his keys…
…that some part of me died with the woman who lost her child…
…that I cried and hurt with the couple who did exactly that as they finally tried to let go in that kitchen…

(…I think I'll save you and me both the gagging of just how much I screamed and ranted at the likes of Theresa and Drew)

Don't get me wrong - there was a whole lot more that I loved other than the mentioned, the stately obvious. I loved the depth of these characters, I loved the meaning in this story - I loved the things you could pick apart and analyze. And I loved the small, little idiosyncrasies too. It wasn't always about words - because they mastered the power of silence - the scenes where they'd stir a thousand emotions inside without uttering a single word .

--  I loved the tongue to the length that licked the champagne and the OJ off her chest, the tongue that clucked at her…and her tongue that danced out to his…

--  I loved the lips that locked in hungry passion and in married sweetness…

--  I loved the curls to their darkness when wet, and the blonde ones he loved to tuck…

--  I loved the hands that swayed in play when walking into court, the hands that snapped that belt right off him on New Year's…

--  I loved the palms to their breadth that cradled her face and the palms that rested on his chest…

--  I loved the thumbs that did their cupping and the fingers that played at his neck…

--  I loved the eyes to their depths that said, "I'm sorry", "don't leave", "take me to bed" and "I love you"…

--  I loved the nose that grazed the smooth curves of her face…and the nose that inhaled his scent during those hugs...

--  I loved the skin on their foreheads that touched before they kissed…

--  I loved that he loved her and that she loved him despite the odds…

--  I loved the Danny that loved this Michelle and vice versa…

I love Stenz for giving me all of that - for the Manny story they began, they played - for what was their Manny story …

…for his smile and for her laugh…
…for his 'baby' and for her 'honey'…
…for his love in her that made him want to be a better man, and for her love in him that believed in that…
…for making a reason for this community (I acknowledge the founders with that same gratitude)…
… for everything that was them - that which can't be recreated or extracted from another because to do so would pull apart a brilliant and complex tapestry that left one mesmerized and breathless…and because to do so would be dismissing something too great not to acknowledge in it's own right …

You know - maybe I'll never completely understand just what it is about Stenz… Maybe I'm not supposed to… Maybe it's just one of those things… Maybe…just maybe…not understanding that complexity is what makes me appreciate it more…

*Sigh…memories how long do they remain vivid do you think? Until you become frustrated because they've gone a tad faded - or until that frustration turns into mere accepted wonder? Someone sent an email to me - and it said that people wouldn't remember what it was you did, or what you said - but they would remember how you made them feel… I've got a rollercoaster of emotions running right now and the flipping telly's not even on...

Melodramatic? Hysteric? Yeah - maybe to those who're willing to say I need to separate fiction & reality … But where do you separate the lines of fiction and reality when the reality is that you begin to live, sleep, eat and breathe a love story? Not because it was some intentional thing but because it just happened …

Melodramatic? Hysteric? Yeah - maybe to those who're willing to say, "They aren't even real! You don't know them!" …But don't I know them? Wasn't I there to watch their love grow - through both the ups and downs? Wasn't what they caused inside me real?

Melodramatic? Hysteric? …But have you never felt that intensity before? Where you've loved that deep? Been mad as hell? Or cried and hurt as hard?

Melodramatic? Hysteric? No - just touched very, very deeply.

I've probably missed many more things - but to completely and utterly acknowledge and profess lovingly of everything that was Manny - would take much more than just a three page effort … far, far more… For now here I am - reminiscent, grateful and I'll admit it - a tad on the weepy side… I just had to acknowledge and pay tribute to something in some way however small - just to know that it did exist - and since I don't think I'll be able to do this tomorrow. I acknowledge the Manny era that was Stenz, and the woman who made that duo possible. I stand and applaud Ms Lenz, with a swelling heart and a teary eye.

Ok - I'm done. I'm off to shoot down those flying pigs and then finish what I said I'd finish eons ago.

Hugs, Kai

*PS - In all my sappiness I forgot to say thanks again -
...to the lurkers for just being there
...to those who've drawn laughter & a couple of winks from me through their woohoo's and yeah baby's
...to those from whose valued insights I've gained and learned much
...to everyone for contributing so much of themselves here
...to the friends I've made for everything that you are

I could delve into this deeper but those who know me know I tend to stray toward emails when I want to say thanks or anything else I feel important - I'm in no state to do much though as I'm falling to pieces at your words - so just…thank you. Thank you for being that better part of a trying year. Merci beaucoup.