And here's what the rest of Springfield thinks...

by Heidi

May 10, 2000

OK, so after finally getting BBS confirmation news, I decided to get the inside scoop. Why wait? Yes, being the diehard Mannyac that I am, I jaunted over to Springfield to get various residents reactions to the imminent Santos bundle of joy. I interviewed quite a few Springfieldians on their opinions on Michelle being pregnant and here's what they had to say...

*Jesse Blue-- "Michelle? Pregnant? Man, that's almost beyond my comprehension. I think I'll go over and talk to her tomorrow. Maybe someone can finally tell me where babies come from."

*Reva Shayne Lewis-- "What? Michelle who? I don't have time for this, I'm going to be a big reporter. Unless you're offering me a national anchor position I don't want to talk to you. I have to go save the world. Excuse me."

My, my. How quickly you forget the little people.

*Buzz Cooper-- "Hey, that's great news! Maybe when the little tyke gets old enough, he can become part of the Company family. God knows we can use a few extra hands around here. Selena and Max always have to "be there" for Drew at a moment's notice, and that Prince Richard guy's got me hoppin' over to San Cristobel like a trained monkey whenever he calls. There's always something going on with that fiancé of his. ‘Cassie's lonely, Cassie wants some chili, Cassie's watching Evita again...' It's getting old."

*Dr. Noah Chase-- "You mean, that nun? That nun is pregnant by that priest? What the hell kind of town is this? I want to go back to San Cristobel. Nothing like this would ever happen over there. It's the best place in the world. And no, I am not just saying that because I have a seat on the San Cristobel Tourism Board. It's true. It really is."

Poor, poor, Noah. So misguided. I knew the "only taking on one patient at a time" policy would give him too much free time.

*Frank Cooper-- "That's great, good for them. I'm glad I was so instrumental in getting Michelle cleared. Yeah, Reva got Ruth Lockhart to change her testimony, but who had to write all those reports changing her testimony, getting Michelle off and booking Carmen? Me, that's who. And it wasn't easy, considering all my pencils were broken. That, on the other hand, remains a mystery. I think I should have some of my guys look into that..."

*Selena Davis-- "Oh, I am so happy for Michelle and Danny! They're so cute together. That's the best news I've heard since I learned I was Reva's best friend. I'm sure Drew will be happy to hear this. You know, Drew's always been there for Michelle and has done so much for her. My daughter is such a kind, loving person. She and Michelle have always been the best of friends and--"

Oops, sorry, she mysteriously got cut off somehow. That's a shame.

*Cassie "Shady" Layne-- "Oh my God, are you serious? Michelle's pregnant? Wow! I have to go tell Mirror right away!"

Unfortunately, I did not have the heart to tell her about Mirror's deep depression, ultimately resulting in Mirror shattering himself and committing mirrorcide. He did, however leave a note written on himself in lipstick, saying "I just couldn't take it anymore." Ah well, at least she still has *The People* (choke, gag, sputter).

*Claire Ramsey-- "Oh, I already knew. A mother just knows these things. I took one look at her and I just....knew."

Yeah, I took one look at the positive pregnancy test and just knew, too. Those are some mothering skills you've got there, June Cleaver.

*Prince Richard Winslow-- "I'm sorry, what are you talking about? Michelle Santos? I don't have time for Michelle Santos. Listen, if this does not concern Cassie or The People, I would really appreciate it if you would just leave. I'm very busy paying off The People to shout their praise and undying devotion to Cassie. Yes, I paid them off, so what if they really don't love her? I'll have her give away a few more tiaras, and everything will be quite ship-shape."

*Father Ray Santos-- "I'm terribly sorry. I am very happy for my cousin and his wife, of course, but I do not think I should talk about matters of the flesh."

Well, Ray, then do you think you should keep walking around in a body that just won't quit? (Whoa, going straight to hell for that one--but what a way to go.)

*Prince Edmund Winslow-- "Yes, quite happy for Danny and Michelle, quite happy. As you know, I am now one of the good guys, squeaky clean and shining bright. So I would just like to offer my congratulations on their baby news. Hurrah for children and all that rot! But alas, I do have one last confession to make. It was I, Honorable Chap Eddie, that broke Frank's pencils. It's just that I got so angry when I saw him hauling Carmen away. I just wanted to get one thing clear. It is me, and only me who puts handcuffs on Carmen. Thank you, I feel much better."

*Rick Bauer-- "My sister, pregnant? Oh man, this is unbelievable. I am so happy for her, for the both of them. I just hope she doesn't ask me to deliver the baby. I don't know what's come over me, I just seem to be such a butterfingers lately."

We know, Rick, we know. Save it for the gazillion lawsuits coming your way.

*David Grant-- "Whatever. It's just gonna be another mob brat that I've gotta try to lock up. Their all the same to me-- Santos, Sandoval, it doesn't matter. Eventually I'll lock ‘em all up and--"

Whoops, got cut off again. This really is strange...

*Bill Lewis-- "Hey that's great news! I'm glad to hear somebody's gettin' some. Sometimes I wish Selena was still a-- uh, nevermind. Pilar's great and all, but I thought, being a Santos and all, that she wouldn't feel so, uh, morally inclined, to wait. Uh-oh, I better get back to her side at once, she's having another breakdown. Sometimes I laugh at how hysterical she can get. Don't tell her that, though."

*Jim Lemay-- "Hey, how cool is that? Danny and Michelle have a little bun in the oven and so do Beth and I. That's really neat-o. I guess, for both of us, the ‘eagle has landed.' Ha, ha, ha. I am so totally funny. Where's Suze? She'd get a kick out of that one."

*Theresa Sandoval-- "I see. He's playing hard to get. But I'll get him in the end. He can't forget about me that easily. I just happen to have more of that date rape drug on hand, and I can easily--"

Oh no, Edmund has just kidnapped Theresa as Carmen clocked her on the back of the head, Vanessa shot her, Reva ran her over, Max set her on fire, and Jim blew her up. That's too bad.

*Beth Lemay-- "Well, as long as the baby's actually Danny's and she didn't get knocked up by Jesse when they thought they were going to die, I'm happy for them. I really am."

*Aunt Meta-- "This is terrible news. If I have to babysit one more kid in this miserable town, I'm going to get myself committed by flouncing around town with Dietz the Hit Man and yelling ‘Where's the target? Where's the target?' in the middle of town square with nothing but a gun holster wrapped around my leg."

*Pilar Santos-- "I am very happy for my brother and sister-in-law. They deserve this. I know Danny will be a wonderful parent. MaMa, on the other hand, awful. She says I'm a bad person. But I know I'm a good person. Yes, I set Ben up. But I didn't kill him. MaMa killed him. Sometimes I feel like a bad person, but I know that's just MaMa trying to get to me. Yes, I am a bad person for setting Ben up, but I am a good person for turning MaMa in for his murder. But even though MaMa says I am just like her, I know that I am a good person because Ben tells me so. At least, I think that's how it is. Sometimes I get confused."

*Carmen Santos-- "What!? Michelle is pregnant? My life cannot possibly get any worse. First, my Danny marries the woman who killed my Mick, and now he's gotten her pregnant? My little Danny, the boy I held to my bosom so tenderly? And now my crazy Pilar is against me as well, telling me to shut up and has no compassion for her poor locked up mother!? That's it, I'm done! I'm no longer anyone's mother! I'm going back to raising gerbils!"

*Ben Warren (courtesy of Pilar's amazing channeling technique)-- "Happy? Of course I'm happy. I always liked those two. And new life is so....precious, isn't it? Yes, babies are a cause for celebration. A new start for a new life entering this world. A new life, but....not always a new soul, if you know what I mean. No? Hmm, how can I explain this? Let's just say, that with reincarnation at work, I will continue. Do you think Michelle would prefer ‘Mother' or plain old ‘Mom?' BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Oh my heavens. Lord help us all.

There you have it, as disturbing as it may be. Some are happy, some are upset, but that's the story from Springfield.

Heidi